Flu and cold viruses planning one last big score before retirement
Sometimes it’s best to bow out gracefully when you know your time has come. Exactly like Apollo Creed didn’t; and he died at the hands of a really bad actor doing a really bad Russian accent in a just okay Rocky movie.
COVID being the new bully on the playground with all sorts of petty drama to hand out to unsuspecting sicknesses who were just minding their own business infecting folks without being a giant drummer-dating-a-hardcore-hockey-fan-level-spaz about it, the Common Cold and Flu bugs decided it’d be too cliché (and a little desperate) to form a support group. So they’re planning one. Last. Big. Score. Heist. Scamola. Switcheroo. Long con. AWWWW SNAP!!! Time to get on Zip Recruiter and start putting a team together. Cue the dramatic music and the dudes in the theater pumping their fist and remarking to their sweethearts “I really wanna see that one!”.
We all know Coronavirus is a huge drama queen who just won’t take a hint and clear off. He can’t abide the thought of not making his problems, insecurities, codependent tendencies, and narcissism everyone else’s problem. Call it the toxic social media influencer of illnesses who broadcasts their personal drama so their following can pile on the family members they’re currently quarreling with and broadcasting things that should be handled privately. Every shallow and petty person needs a following so they can be reassured they’re not the bad guy.
At the annual Malady Family Reunion, everyone has to hide the liquor and ascertain Corona’s mood upon arrival in case a coalition of unified faces and wills needs brought together to counter whatever nonsense and family squabble it’s fixing to start or dredge back up when everyone’s just trying to hang at the pool and enjoy some moldy barbecue. All this AND corona has the force of law at its back. It’s like that weaselly OSHA inspector who walks around your workplace making red check marks on the clipboard and laying out strong hints that to get him off your back he will be requiring a bribe.
Flu and Cold know the mark has to be small enough to make it logistically feasible without too many hitches or that one psycho cousin fresh from the Chino who totally botches the mission in an unprofessional and dangerous manner, but still big enough to become the stuff of legends. Life is about finding balances. At least so says the grizzled and wizened veteran on this job that everyone is supposed to listen to but probably won’t.
Scuttlebutt around the watercooler is they’re eyeing The Vatican for mass infection and extraction of valuable bounty. I know what you’re thinking. “Hey. Hey now. They never did nothing to hurt nobody! The Roman Catholic Church has kept their noses clean and basically left everyone alone forever, so why them?” But someone’s got to be at the business end of the heist and papists have got some deep vaults with some deep pockets full of deep, dark secrets. On top of piles of rare, arcane books, medieval treasures, musty saint skeletons (gross), dinosaur eggs, and gold fabric-spinning imps, I’d wager they’ve an idea of what happened to Jimmy Hoffa. I’m a middle-aged lifelong Michigan resident so closure on that topic is of high importance to me.
I, for one, wish them the very best. Seems like COVID is here to stay, like unrestrained social media comment thread rudeness and alarming levels of American obesity. I’m sure there’ll be some snags along the way. My money is on them losing a good chunk of the loot when they have to drop part of their getaway chopper payload because they’re too heavy. I imagine Strep throat will stage a heroic sacrifice as the police are closing in on their hideout so the others can escape then send his cut to surviving relations.
As they work to infect and inconvenience the upcoming week of some clergy and silly looking Vespa commuters, they can reflect on the comforting thought that we have accepted—maybe even come to love and appreciate in a weird way—their contributions to our routines and normalcy of life. We didn’t like them when they arrived and gave us their usual symptoms, but at least we didn’t have to point the freeze ray gun at life and await some government bureaucrat’s permission to think freely. We learned to live with them and eventually became used to them. Happy trails, Cold and Flu. Hope you find some small comfort in these empty words. I’ll remember you, even if the masses don’t. Hey Flu, promise we won’t forget all the times we either got your vaccine or exercised agency and forewent your vaccine. We didn’t know how good we had it at the time.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled I’ll Fix America Tonight. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://andor.oxinst.com/learning/view/article/understanding-cold-and-flu-viruses
