Socialism's matriarch has had just about enough of the sass-back
When you’re never wrong about anything, you enjoy the luxury of labeling anyone who criticizes you a hater and dismissing them out of hand like one casually brushes aside a pesky piece of cottonwood fluff on those warm summer days we are all terribly missing at the moment. Add to that utter, complete, blind, and zealous devotion to identity politics and you never have to trouble yourself with toxic personality traits like self-awareness, established rules of debate, reflection, and learning from your mistakes (because you don’t make mistakes).
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is just such a one. Being a big proponent in the last two years of mask mandates, vaccine mandates, social distancing mandates, and thorough removal of autonomy and human agency mandates, one could safely presume she’d avoid vacationing in Florida like the federal government taken as a whole avoids solving anyone’s problems. But she was found to be in Florida, smooching her boyfriend (a man who was directed by his obnoxious senator paramour to change his name to Beta Cuckington, if memory serves), not wearing a mask, not social distancing, and doing other things tourists to America’s phallus typically enjoy, like watching South American boas take over the ecosystem and not making eye contact with the Semitic elderly who are here to wait out their death and play shuffleboard (and they’re all out of shuffleboard).
In a move that stank of partisan snark, Governor Ron DeSantis tweeted at her and welcomed her to the Sunshine and STD State. It’s like Partisan Snark and Twitter were made for each other; almost as if their torrid love affair organically happened anywhere but ABC’s The Bachelor because that show is not real life and not how real people fall in love and it’s stupid.
Conservative Twitter trolls piled on because the world is crazy right now. I can’t think of a worse use of my time than piling on via Twitter. But, hey, I occasionally watch and review movies that are released straight to popular streaming services, so who am I to talk? Seems to me I recall condescendingly scorning the straight-to-video releases in the Blockbuster aisles of yesteryear in lieu of movies that actually succeeded in theaters. But times change, and I’m missing important binging as I write this disaster of a think piece, so on with the show. I’d love to have a big-budget streaming show and trick an ever-increasingly illiterate population into thinking they’re reading by calling the seasons of my show “Books” or “Volumes” and the episodes “Chapters” but Imma keep my off-topic English-teacher frustrations to myself from here on out.
She clapped back, of course, because we all know the one effective way to get people to stop making fun of you is to answer them in an angry fashion. Wars are started by people who take the high road and avoid confrontational rhetoric, after all. She said that creepy and sexually frustrated Republicans are just upset they can’t date her. The intricate tapestry Republicans and Democrats have weaved on Twitter once they decided to take it over in such an extroverted manner is beautiful, really. Beautiful in a repulsive and nauseating way, but still beautiful. It’s like a warm security blanket we pull out on windy days. A blanket that’s stitched with cuss words, insults standing in for civil debate, and codependent argumentation, but a warm security blanket nonetheless.
Here we go back on track. Where were we? Ah yes, incel Republicans. Gotta hand it to her. At least she didn’t pull out the straight, white, male card so common in public discourse it’s a clichéd tumor growing on the puss-filled and infected protuberance of a cliché at this point.. Who’s to say she can’t and isn’t evolving as a person? It is kind of obnoxious when hot people know they’re hot and use it to press their advantage or project by accusing the not-so-hot of just wanting to have sex with them. I much prefer hot people who know they’re hot and still act like decent human beings, but I’m not hot and don’t know what a power trip it must be so I’ll reserve a little judgment.
I’m no Republican. I’m not creepy or sexually frustrated, but I do find her attractive. I’ll admit it. Were she single, I would love to get to know her as a person before we address her hotness but that’s just because I play an old-fashioned gentleman on my blog. Maybe we could someday run away (granting we filled out the appropriate forms for a wild and impulsive elopement) and have intrusive busybodies for children who incessantly contrive expensive government programs under the false pretense of caring about the people.
For you see, she’s the new breed of liberal. The classical liberals who adopted a live-and-let-live mentality to mind were blind fools who didn’t see the potential for stupid-big tax revenues. This new breed is all up in everyone’s business, hates and vilifies the rich (just the rich who got that way through capitalism, not forced taxation), never met a bureaucratic regulation they didn’t like, thinks the mildly-to-seriously retarded general populace could benefit from a government agency which performs their post-bowel movement personal hygiene necessaries for them, maintains the correct and proper literary interpretation that Big Brother of Orwell’s 1984 was the hero, and is just about fed up with all the sass-back and dumb, ugly conservatives’ insistence on trifling matters like personal liberties and voicing their unacceptable opinions.
I for one am super-jazzed thinking about our life together. I look forward to changing my name to Beta Cuckington II. I look forward to my straight male whiteness being to blame for all the problems any minority voters experience in this world, no matter how weak the connection being made. I look forward to not thinking for myself and posturing COVID as the bogeyman and umbrella justification for overhauling and reshaping our great society into a far less productive and robust one. I look forward to paying my future wife two week’s salary for my regularly scheduled once-a-month sultry look. I look forward to the financially and emotionally ruinous divorce that comes part-and-parcel of the factory defaults when you marry a radical feminist. I look forward to being marginalized in the lives of the aforementioned children we procreate because I’m a father and we’re gross and unnecessary. I am mad I can’t date AOC. Mad as heckerdoodles. My life is missing much enrichment and fulfillment she alone could provide. Are her pronouns she/her or some collective/plural/androgynous/phantasma nonsense? I’m still not sure where we landed on that whole thing but sure that I am wrong no matter what.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled I’ll Fix America Tonight. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://twitter.com/laikasobers/status/1362470968308957185
