Don't watch me while I film myself so weirdos can watch me!
Many days of my life I’ve pondered what it would be like to have survival in front of my eyes every day, as opposed to having a body sculpted by extravagant living with enough stored fat to survive for a month of fasting (so long as there’s water available), slowly diminishing like a dromedary carrying a Bedouin across a stretch of sun-blasted sand. I live in a country so overflowing with luxury I can press a few buttons on my pocket-sized computer, thereby demanding a greasy cheeseburger, flavored sugar water, and fries that are bitter enemies of my arteries be delivered to my fat face by an unemployable person with a prior felony conviction.
But what if I grew up in another epoch, living in a minimally furnished hut within walking distance of a bubbling brook, gathering nuts and berries from the forest, bulls-eyeing rabbits, squirrels, and other delicious, unsuspecting woodland creatures with my longbow, occasionally fending off wild boar and raider attacks? Then the manufactured drama, professional victimhood, and pointless conflicts we drum up over trifling matters wouldn’t even cross my mind. No fat, bored, monstrosity of a human being so stupefied by their diabetes and self-hatred would be able to enter my life through aforementioned pocket computer with a few Cheeto-dust encrusted finger movements on one of the many screens they put between their dumb face and the living room wall.
Enter Jessica Fernandez. She’s already apologized for the controversy she sparked from the included picture but I’ve been planning on making fun of her since before she apologized but I’ve been busy plowing snow and hanging drywall this winter and I still really, really want to make fun of her and there are plenty of others like her who are unencumbered by basic decency that she’ll make a fine stand-in for the rest.
In a so-this-is-what-we’re-doing-now societal moment, it’s become popular for good looking girls to go out in public wearing minimal attire that accentuates how good looking they are to shame men who think they’re good looking for glancing at them so that the weirdos watching them at home can pile on said men.
I’m a small government conservative but seriously, we need a law about filming yourself working out. It’s getting out of hand. It’s really the fault of the viewers for encouraging this nonsense and bad behavior. Did you know you can actually find videos of these folks saving a machine a few feet away and chiding strangers for trying to jump on it while they’re getting their reps on another machine, then actually taking the time to post chiding session on the web, hoping for support from followers for their dilemma? A civilization that manufactures drama over trifles and poor treatment of strangers at this level has officially run out of real problems.
By the way, who is watching these videos? Are they waiting for a twist ending? “I was totally blown away when she finished her sets and racked the bars! I thought for sure we’d find out she was dead the whole time or that her presumed to be dead father was the real killer all along.” Do they need an influencer they’re watching on their phone who recorded themselves on their phone telling them they need to put down the phone and work out? Is this a “your work is so inspirational” angle? Who needs a gorgeous person they won’t ever meet inspiring them to live a better life? What life choices added up to them needing this? This inquiring mind wants to know. The universe is calling for correction.
Enter Joey Swoll, a buff gym bro who looks like he should be swinging a mighty sword to stave off Saxon advancement in Northumbria. I’m nicknaming him Joey Knock You Down a Peg then Eat the Rack the Peg was Mounted on Swoll because I’m clever and brevity is not necessarily the soul of wit. He’s made it his personal mission to shame these women who feel no shame for having shamed men with eyes that are attracted to attractive things. He’s doing really well at it so be done reading my goofy nonsense, then go follow him before he crushes you, razes your village, and wipes out your clan. Just his photo is enough to scare me into handing over my car keys, cash on hand, and girlfriend’s phone number.
Oh yeah, a lot of these women have Only Fans accounts. Fernandez has one on a comparable website. Not content to feel empowered by engaging in sex work and objectifying herself, she has to take one last long and satisfying drag off the Empowering Brand cigarette one more time by telling men to appreciate her for the intellect she abjectly refuses to put on display in lieu of her tantalizing curves. This seems like a poorly veiled attempt at drumming up clicks. So men seeing you in public and being drawn to your appearance is creepy, despite the fact that all romantic human interaction for all of history is predicated on people finding one another attractive. But apparently men paying to watch you at home for the purposes of…self love sessions isn’t weird or creepy at all. Gotcha. If this is what we’re doing now, I guess I will start searching for that woodland stream and gathering building materials for aforementioned primitive hut.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Photos taken from:
https://meaww.com/who-is-jessica-fernandez-twitch-influencer-aplogies-for-her-rude-remarks
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/tiktok-gym-ego-lifter-joey-swoll-viral-b2027507.html
