(satire) Amerikkka can't even do racism right
No, see…(touches forehead and sighs in frustration) Here’s the thing. If you want brown folks to suffer—and I think we can all agree that systemically, fundamentally, historically, categorically, spiritually, consensually, chemically, and indubitably, Americans want brown folks to suffer—you don’t bring them home to the gross place where they can make a good living and fear no backlash shouting about how fascist and racist we all are.
America’s racism held up its end of the bargain. It got a black person jailed in a country that’s already like prison, so real prison there has got to be like prison that’s obnoxious and buzzing with excitement after putting in its two weeks’ notice because a new and better job situation has been found. AND said person is a woman. AND she kneeled for the national anthem. AND she plays in a league where the ladies don’t make nearly as much as the guys. AND she’s into other women sexually. That’s a get-this-rabble-rouser-out-of-my-sight-because-I-want-to-watch-this-flag-waving-in-the-wind quintuple whammy.
Some evil systemically racist person somewhere did the dusting off his hands gesture and patted himself vigorously on the back when he planted that weed in her luggage, thereby masterminding and accomplishing this little gem of a foreign abduction. Liam Neeson was hastily not consulted for a rogue, off-the-books rescue mission. Imagine the fury tremors and raging shutdown of his language center that resulted from learning that not only is she coming home, but she’s coming home in lieu of a straight white man who served in the Marines. Said racist (probably a southern judge who wears a lot of ten-gallon hats and cowboy boots) literally can’t with these people anymore. It would have been better to let her rot in a place where the husbands, wives, military, politicians, teachers, pastors, children, rivers, soil, and sky all have massive drinking problems.
Oh, and talk about an even trade (read that sentence with extreme sarcasm). You know how movies aren’t typically made about the millions of us who work hard, love our families, abide by the law, and die in an uneventful manner after a live well-lived? Hollywood’s word for that is “boring”. We gave up a guy who has put so many arms and munitions in the hands of scrappy African militias he had a movie made about him starring Nicolas Cage. He probably armed both sides in some conflicts because, hey, who has the time keep track of these things with all the money we’re making and which is piling up and needs to be muled and laundered through the Caymans? Said militias, shall we say, don’t keep a Kalashnikov handy for home defense or the chance they need to be a good guy with a gun in case an active shooter drops his manifesto and punches the timeclock.
For that guy, we got a lady who has dunked in the WNBA 23 times. Doesn’t exactly scream Oscar-worthy blockbuster biopic material. Those stingy Cossacks didn’t even throw in a couple cases of Vodka, five or ten gorgeous mail-order brides, or shipping container packed to the brim with tracksuits (probably because we were afraid to ask because negotiating from a position of fear and weakness is never a sure bet).
She’s 32 years old. I say three contingencies should have been placed on her return. 1) From here on out, she stands for the anthem for the racist cesspool that bent over backwards and presented its backside to Putin to bring her home now that she’s has the advantage of perspective. Bonus points if she can muster patriotic tears by the crescendo. 2) She has to make it to 30 dunks by the time she retires. 3) WNBA players will now make the median salary of the highest level of boys’ basketball they can realistically compete against. Since we all know—because we all live in reality—that boys’ varsity programs at elite, premier high schools could compete with and beat WNBA teams, the ladies should get ready to subsist on McDonald’s fry cook trainee wages combined with the allowance “my dumb dad gives me when I remember to scoop the dog poop in the back yard”.
This used to be such a great country. One that didn’t even need to change out of its robe and slippers to get racism and white supremacy right. (sniff) I remember 2016’s fading bliss with such bittersweet fondness.
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https://images.app.goo.gl/S4W7KTYoojiHnu5Q7
