The Patriarchy would like to thank transgender athletes for all their hard work
Here’s the thing about unfair, unjust, murderous, creepy, oppressive, handsy, rapey, and genocidal power structures. They’re worth fighting for. Here’s the funny thing about them. Not everyone is willing to put in the fight. Most people’s manufacturer defaults are set to “quit”. When the going gets tough, the weak and flabby majority do the opposite of whatever the tough do. Thankfully, there’s a heroic minority still burning the midnight oil and grinding it out so The Patriarchy can continue to evade and delay its inevitable pegging.
I feel more than qualified to speak on behalf of The Patriarchy because any individual of any group can speak in a collective manner on behalf of said group nowadays without anyone else from that or any other group saying boo or objecting to the wild projection and broad-brushing of thoughts and attitudes taking place.
I’m a card-carrying member. The cards are that cool, expensive, glossy stock and come with a watermark image of a boot crushing a woman’s neck. Each payday I wake up to a hefty bag of cash on my front porch labeled “The extra 25% these ladies don’t even know about” and ask zero questions because why would I. I’m able to walk around staring down and assuming any attractive woman who makes so much as eye contact with me also desires sexual intercourse from me. I can be bossy and pushy and be labeled an ambitious go-getter.
But these ladies have been getting a little mouthy lately and need to be reminded of their place. Fortunately, The Patriarchy has sleeper agents in place discreetly—but not so much anymore because what are the women gonna do, fight back? Don’t make me chortle condescendingly—doing the necessary work it takes to keep us steering girls toward kitchen and perpetual barefooted pregnancy related career choices.
Forget the joke about two black eyes. What do you tell a woman with a broken jaw, detached retina, severed tendons, dislocated hip, cracked ribs, cauliflower ears, blunt force trauma about the head, neck, and stomach areas, and hefty psychiatry bills? Nothing. Fallon Fox has already taken this issue to the MMA ring and told them the number of times equal to the number of injuries they’ll be gimping around with as they make me my sandwich.
Woman have smaller, slenderer bodies with less hair. That would make it seem they are more streamlined and tailor made for a sport like competitive swimming, in which friction plays an integral part. Logically speaking, swimming should favor that scrappy little tribe of adorable fighters bearing the XX chromosome who everyone is rooting for and just might catch that rainbow someday. “Not so”, cried Lia Thomas as she wielded her mighty magic hammer and tore down all the mountains of strides woman have made lately. Metaphorically, of course. In the realm of the literal, Thomas is literally smashing records and dominating swimming like a dominatrix who is handsomely remunerated to dominate weak and emasculated men (or so I’ve heard, not being one of them).
After having undergone a prerequisite period of testosterone suppression, of course. We must follow the rules, even if said rules are made by people who lack basic cognition and can’t understand that testosterone is just one of many variables which lend themselves to the general and statistical dominance of men in tasks requiring strength, speed, size, and endurance. But you didn’t hear that from me. Even though you did; smug brazenness as regarding what constitutes reality being the reward The Patriarchy has earned from ever so much wool being pulled over the eyes of the masses. It’s nice to take a break and enjoy the fruits of one’s propagandistic and dishonest labor now and then.
Receiving honorable mention are Caitlyn Jenner and Laurel Hubbard. Jenner’s canceling and figurative public keelhauling is pending approval by the powers that be due to her acceptance of a “Woman of the Year” award then throwing it back in the Left’s face by taking an unacceptable stance on transgender women in female sports. Keep y’all posted. Laurel Hubbard put in a valiant effort at the 2021 summer Olympics but ultimately lost to younger competition. That should be a lesson to every girl trapped in a man’s body who wants to win at weightlifting to go ahead and announce their intentions to compete as a woman before the age of 43. We’d suggest finding a sweet spot between the ages of 25-30, otherwise it’s too late for you to be any good to The Patriarchy.
Only women can get pregnant, menstruate, breastfeed, and birth children, eh? Clearly you’ve never met the extreme and radical wing of feminism. They’ve done an incalculable amount to keep The Patriarchy in power, money, influence, and expensive Scotch. And at complete unawares while making seventy-five cents on the dollar every man makes before the secret 25% mentioned above is even figured in. That’s a 50% swing which adds up to a lot of speedboats with expensive horsepower, bells/whistles, and accompanying hooker options! For my 2022 speedboat, I’m really leaning toward the model with a .50 cal. mounted on the front because sometimes it’s nice to treat oneself. Don’t tell them the damage their ostracizing of TERF’s and loud, aggressive, hijacking of reasoned, male-appreciating feminism has done. That’s an awkward and ponderous conversation The Patriarchy doesn’t feel like having with lesser beings.
You might be happy to hear much of the money we make and hide from the gender that really do be shoppin’ goes to our efforts to end white supremacy and racism. We’re not monsters, after all.
Thanks to the radical-blue-hair-ear-gauge-and-philtrum-piercing crowd, people born with penises can go all Bomberman on their genitals, adopt a feminine manner of speech accentuating the letter “s”, bend their wrists while declaring someone’s outfit “fabulous” , take part of the benefits and liberties the word “woman” entails, and call men who reject them romantically bigoted and hate-filled because wanting to have babies the traditional way with your future hairy-knuckled wife is overrated.
Also thanks to this crowd, people born with vaginas can undergo conversion therapy, pencil in a mustache above their upper lip, staple a prosthetic phallic device between their legs, get pregnant, birth a baby, deny their baby the wonders and advantages of breastfeeding because they had their local butcher…um…butch their mammaries, adopt a manly and confident manner of speaking and walking, take parts of the benefits and liberties the word “man” entails, and call those who are weirded out by all this laundry list of ethical and medical errors transphobic.
Thricely thanks to the morbidly-obese-“but some folks can’t help it because it’s a glandular problem”-crowd, words with meaning have shed anything approximating meaning. You can adopt plural pronouns and get in the grill of anyone a who points out to you the English language has firm rules and structures. You can make up new pronouns and atypical genders like you never left the World of Make-Believe Mr. Rogers so lovingly invited you to visit. You can double-speak “mothers” into “birthing persons” and “breastfeeding” into “chestfeeding” so as not to offend anyone who just can’t bear the thought of walking through life not being hypersensitive and perpetually offended. You can screech like a harpy with a wicked backache if someone deadnames, mis-genders, or doesn’t agree with you on anything about anything like a narcissist getting their daily codependence fix after reading up fascist tactics and never let it bother your conscience. Don’t worry about repeating the mistakes of that one thing that’s not been very kind to women…what’s it called again? Oh yeah! All of human history. You got this (actually, we got this but want you to think you got this because…history).
You can play fast and loose with the truth because truth is malleable, able to be possessed, and determined on an individual basis because the serpent in the garden who told us we will be as gods, determining good and evil was really misunderstood and mis-gendered as the villain and we can super-vibe with him and to hell with any warnings Orwell gave us, right? Be a dear and pass bath salt-encrusted Tide pods.
The Patriarchy really would invite the radicals of modern feminism (whatever wave we’re in now) over to enjoy a nice meal if they weren’t such off-putting people. We really would but for that one thing. It’s important y’all know that before you get back to the cookin’ and the cleanin’ and the not being totally equal with us and the minding of your tone you strike with us. Hey, at least this isn’t a theocracy in the grasp of not-that-chill devotees to Sharia Law, am I right, ladies? Being number four to men, guns, and certain breeds of dogs is better than that mess.
Don’t worry ladies, we’re here for you so long as you don’t annoy us or talk to us at length. Somewhere, there’s a game on. We’re on your side! You could even say we’re feminists and want equality for you. It’s just…your fragile lady parts make things like math and knowing what you want difficult. We’re here to completely overhaul what it means to be a woman and partake in the struggles and triumphs of this sisterhood. Letting the erstwhile Toms, Richards, and Harrys transition to the Tammys, Robertas, and Helens that embarrassingly crush you at sports is what’s best for you because you can trust us because we want what’s best for you. If all this ensures a smooth and efficient continuance of our stranglehold on power, well then, that’s what we who know what’s best for you call a win-win.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://www.foxsports.com.au/us-sports/trans-university-of-pennsylvania-swimmer-sparks-outrage-after-smashing-womens-records/news-story/ac85bbea7df54f28b493e758c090f25c
