Prince Harry advances feminism by asking Meghan permission to have an opinion
Two-hundred-some-odd years ago, America rejected the monarchy and tossed crowned ruffians out like so many spoiled tubs of cottage cheese. Ever since then, the British ruling family has utilized a myriad of tactics to try and win back a foothold in the colonies. Oppressive taxation didn’t work. Neither did two wars. The Rolling Stones were sent in as sleeper agents but found out that things are really cool beans here, and turned on their bejeweled overlords, personally pushing more drugs through their system than most small countries in the process. Now the royals’ new tactic is sending us people that…just aren’t all that interesting. I guess we’re supposed to fall asleep listening to them talk, or something? Not really sure.
Coming on the heels of a mildly interesting turn of events wherein each member of the royal family was given an approval rating, with Meghan and Harry ranking last and second-to-last, respectively, we reflected and concluded as ridiculous the idea of someone who’s not an elected official and who doesn’t really do, like, anything having an approval rating. That’s like giving an approval rating to those bland, inoffensive, and tasteless rice cakes, no matter how much the fine people at Quaker try to jazz them up with nacho-flavored dust particles that tend to get caught in your throat if you dare to inhale while you’re chewing.
Any-whoooo, Thirsty for Clicks finally returned Meghan’s multitude of voicemails and agreed to an interview which we are totally not stoked for. Forgive any spelling errors. We just rolled the recorder app and let the smartphone type out the transcript. We couldn’t be bothered for something that nobody will read anyway.
Harry: Thanks for agreeing to sit down for this interview!
Reporter: Yeah, well, you know. The sack of money with a money sign on it didn’t hurt.
Harry: Thanks. We just put in it what we found under the couch cushions and car seats.
Reporter: Do you drive?
Harry: Oh heavens, no, one does not drive. So how did you react when you heard the prince and his lovely bride wanted to do an interview?
Reporter: Not any type of way, I guess. I suppose it was like an unenthusiastic “Oh, nice”.
Harry: That’s the best we can hope for, actually. What can I say? We’re just not that interesting! Honey, how that we’ve done away with pleasantries, why did we call this publication for an interview?
Meghan: Because it’s been about five minutes since anyone has mentioned or publicly and wildly speculated on my mental health. That’s just unacceptable.
Reporter: What’s unacceptable, the duration of time, or the wild speculation?
Harry: (a touch irritated) Excuse me, I’m conducting the interview here.
Reporter: but I’m-
Harry: (pushing finger up to reporter’s lips in an obnoxious manner) Sh, sh, shush. So sorry about that, my dear. We mustn’t let the media types get in the way of getting our message out.
Meghan: Forgiven, so’s long as you don’t let it happen again.
Harry: (flashing warning look to the reporter) I’m sure it won’t. Don’t forget that I did a couple tours in Afghanistan.
Meghan: Yeah, but there was no way your handlers were going to let a prince near deadly action, right?
Harry: (sheepishly) yes’m.
Reporter: (growing more irritated) So what is your message?
Meghan: Well, we’ve basically reduced it down to sentence fragments for brevity’s sake. Gingersnaps, if you wouldn’t mind?
Harry: Right. White=racist. Royals=bad (unless they give our son a title). Mental health=mandatory to insinuate Meghan’s current state into every conversation. Meghan=perpetual victim. Feminism=good. Thomas Markle=white supremacy.
Reporter: That’s great. Just terrific. What’s next for you guys? (passive aggressively) Getting real jobs, joining the real world, paying your own bills, knocking off the obnoxious complaining about your ultra-rich people problems?
Meghan: (explodes in laughter)
Harry: Megasaurus, may I laugh also?
Meghan: I suppose, but it’ll cost you this week’s session of sexual intercourse (leaning and pretending to whisper but not really whispering) It’s the gaudy hair and freckled complexion for me. It’s almost too much, am I right? (tries to high-five reporter, who recoils in disgust)
Harry: (explodes in laughter)
Reporter: (wearing the standard “seriously considering regicide” expression) Thank you, that’ll be all.
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