Just use the logic of the left next time you do something terrible
Does really sticking it to someone you don’t know and who has never harmed you and then playing the victim really froth up your loins? Well, thanks to ongoing 2020 power grabs by Democrats and Thirsty for Clicks, you can do what you want without consequences or annoying feelings of guilt. Use these lines to completely escape accountability and consequences if you find yourself in trouble of your own making. For your reading pleasure, we present:
“These places are insured for that kind of thing.” next time you steal a luxury item you don’t need and can’t afford from a local retailer.
“I regretted my decision after the fact so they should be charged in a retroactive manner consistent with my newfound feelings.” next time you want to get someone in legal trouble for your bad life choices.
“You have stolen more from me than I could ever steal from you.” or “This is just a down-payment on reparations.” next time you loot a PlayStation 5 from a store owned by someone who looks like someone long ago who did something bad to someone long ago who looked like you.
“‘Objective facts’ (as you call them), formulas, and grammar, are oppressive and stem from white supremacy.” the next time you get a bad grade on a history, English, math, or science examination.
“At least I’m not a racist like those guys.” the next time you do literally anything wrong but aren’t motivated by racial hatred.
“He cheated on me and messed up my self-esteem.” next time you run up on an ex’s house, vandalize his car, threaten his life, and cast aspersions on his mother’s personal scruples.
“They mis-gendered, didn’t use my proper pronouns (or bother to ask for them), and dead-named me. We all know that words are violence so I was just responding in kind.” next time you’ve succumbed to the urge to pistol-whip and curb-stomp some dude and his girl.
“I was speaking metaphorically and out of passion.” next time you’re caught inciting violence.
“Everyone with your skin color is racist.” next time you’re in an argument and need a trump card (even if you have the same skin color as that person).
“Child number one has yet to choose their gender and is free to beat up anyone who makes them feel less than.” next time your son punches a girl.
“I’m a self-governing autonomous zone and don’t recognize your authority here.” next time you’ve annexed and cordoned off your neighbor’s tennis court.
“You’re just a hater.” the next time someone pleads with you to reflect on your atrocious and undignified behavior.
“How is working hard going to help me when late-stage capitalism exploits and enslaves people for life?” next time your boss writes you up for slacking off at work.
“That’s not what the founders intended.” next time you’re trapped by the specific nature of the language used in the Constitution.
“The founders were just a bunch of racists.” next time you’re trapped by the specific nature of the language used in the Constitution.
“The Constitution is a living document.” next time you’re trapped by the specific nature of the language used in the Constitution.
“How else were they supposed to get their clothes, money, and jewelry?! And now my baby’s gone!” next time your son gets shot breaking into someone’s house.
“That guy over there gets up earlier, works harder, has more money, marketable skills, better talent, and better ideas but I don’t make a living wage so his stuff is forfeit and ripe for redistribution.” next time you burgle your neighbor’s pool accessories.
“Capitalism is just slavery by another word and has let us all down.”, or “America is the absolute worst place to live.” next time you’re leaving a snarky comment on a thread with your smartphone while taking a dump derived from gourmet food conveniently delivered to you from a local restaurant on a nice toilet (not hole in the ground you dug with your hands) in your comfortably furnished living space that has wooden floors instead of no floors.
“Indecent people don’t deserve decent treatment or polite debate.” the next time you’ve screeched blistering profanity in place of a rational argument.
“I’m helping to legitimize the sex-worker industry and toppling white supremacy.” next time a cop busts you for soliciting sex from an Asian prostitute.
“This is about empowerment, not creepy objectification facilitated by the male gaze.” the next time you dox a man for making sexually explicit remarks on your sexually explicit social media post.
“I’m feeling triggered right now, my anxiety is kicking in, and I’m literally shaking.” next time someone in authority asks you to do or stop doing, like, anything.
“It was a failed attempt at a late-term abortion.” next time someone calls CPS on you for beating your kids mercilessly in public.
“I posted a hashtag this morning, so I’ve done my part already.” next time someone asks you to contribute time, money, and/or effort to a noble cause.
“I know it’s racism and you can’t convince me it wasn’t racism.” next time you’re guessing at the unspoken motivation of a tense conflict that didn’t involve you and that you didn’t witness (Note: you can petulantly plug your ears and hold your breath for added emphasis in this situation).
“That’s just how we do in the gaming community.” the next time someone takes umbrage at your gratuitous use of racial slurs and the word “rape” over Xbox live.
“I forcefully seized taxable income from him so I can help those less fortunate than him because if I don’t, who will?” next time someone accuses you of armed robbery.
“It’s not enough to not be racist, you have to be anti-racist, so that’s what I’ve been devoting my time to.” next time you’re unemployed and creditors are calling to collect payment.
“Don’t _________(insert applicable character trait)-shame me.” the next time you’ve gotten caught sleeping with a friend’s husband or take more than your reasonable share of Jimmy Johns sandwiches from the company luncheon.
“You need to change your standards of beauty and it’s bigoted for you not to.” next time someone out of your league refuses to have sex with you.
“Deficits don’t matter when people are suffering.” next time your parent/spouse scolds you for financing a yacht when your mortgage is in default.
“I’m forcing the owner to pay their employees a living wage.” next time a friend calls you on leaving a crappy tip.
“I self-identification-ify as….whatever the H-E-Double-Hockey-sticks this is.” next time you’re drunk and using the wrong restroom or peeing in your neighbor’s bushes.
“There were too many dopey white men in my safe space, breathing my air.” the next time you go on a kicking/arson spree.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://www.amazon.com/Dreaming-Screaming-Explicit/dp/B07W957GMJ
