Now Hiring Professional Victims-straight, white, Christian men need not apply.
Join the fun, vibrant, and expanding world of professional victimhood! We provide on-the-job training, a comprehensive entitlement package, competitive wages commensurate with your status on the victim pyramid, and per diem for overnight travel to exotic locations for protest where you’ll be free to use your own judgment in escalating to riot (more details below). Click on the link below if any of this applies to you, and remember:
You. Are. A. Victim. You aren’t a winner. You don’t got this. You can’t do it alone. The only thing standing between you and your dreams is money in the pocket of someone who’s offended you. Now go out there and be somebody!
Preferred experience:
Two + years of watching television shows and movies from bygone eras to find and blog about problematic and racist elements.
At least a dozen instances of literally shaking when reading comment threads containing unacceptable opinions.
More than the traditional four years spent at college pursuing a degree with no foreseeable market value and the concomitant student loan debt. Extra attention given to candidates with multiple drop-outs and transfers based on differences over what it means to “pass a class”.
If you’ve ever written a letter to the dean explaining why objective grades are rooted in white supremacy, you’ll be hired without a probationary period.
Recorded video evidence of walking into a conversation on the street and screaming any of the following without any context or frame of reference (bonus for having flipped over tables of a preapproved college Republican group):
racist
homophobe
misogynist
patriarchy
boomer
Five + years of using identity politics as a valid mode of arguing and dismissing another’s arguments out of hand based on their gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, or socioeconomic class.
Three + examples of treating classical liberals as harshly as you do conservatives and telling them they don’t represent the DNC anymore.
Five + examples of judging as to whether or not someone is racist based the color of their skin. Bonus for having redefined racism to fit modern rationalizations for hatred of whites.
Entire work history spent working for less than $15/hour.
Social media evidence of at least three recent (less than five years) neon hair colors along with all sorts of crazy, off-putting piercing crap in your face and ears.
Preferred skills:
Self-diagnosed anxiety and PTSD
Ability to call any small thing (down to and including opposing opinions) traumatizing
Visceral reaction to interacting with guns, gun owners, or gun advocates
Crying on demand as a coping mechanism or defense against logic and facts
Inability to pass a drug screening or get out of bed before 10am.
Throw a brick through a conservative pundit’s bay window, then book it to the closest Starbucks.
Argue that capitalism is slavery and doesn’t allow people to get ahead despite mountains of evidence to the contrary
Cause maximum damage to cars, buildings, and homes without feelings of guilt, then rationalize with arguments about insurance and how much Colonizers and capitalists have stolen from peoples of color
Ability to check your white privilege (if applicable) and tell others to do the same
Respond to any argument involving capitalism with “bootlicker” and “billionaires shouldn’t exist”
Able to write social media posts at 10wpm in all caps with clapping hands between words, ending with “PERIOD!!!”.
Must be able to:
Assimilate and immerse yourself into mob mentality and pull down statues as the mood takes you and the other hundred or so protestors/would-be rioters
Tell someone to do their research and educate themselves at a moment’s notice
Take every argument about the qualities of America back to “stolen land”
Be magnanimous and charitable with other peoples’ money
Know what a police officer should have done in every tense and violent conflict, project racial hatred as the root cause, denounce all cops as bastards, and ignore the irony of using their protection when you’ve been threatened or hurt
Put into extremely vague terms what is owed for slavery reparations
Females and those who identify as females only-get in a conservative man’s face, scream insults, spit, kick and punch, then cry misogyny when he responds with even minimal force
Hit a bullseye within ten tries (visual evidence of uncontrollable rage a bonus) on a dartboard with the likeness of Donald Trump, Ben Shapiro, Candace Owens, Tucker Carlson, Jordan Peterson, or your dad.
Score no less than 75% on a three-hundred question basic knowledge test of Spongebob Squarepants
Tell a man who refuses to have sex with you to change his unattainable and misogynistic standards of beauty
Construct, light, and throw a Molotov cocktail in thirty seconds or less and climb a border to deface private/public property while concealing your identity with hoodie and mask
Believe and defend every allegation of sexual assault, even when proven to be a hoax. Attractive bonus packages for instances of total disregard for due process
Pack up and be out your house in ten minutes or less, hitching a ride to the nearest cultural hotspot. Tent, bicycle, and whore’s-bath kits provided. Frequent biker miles doubled for trips to Portland, OR without committing suicide.
Forward five examples of your rambling social media diatribes and the references of three people who have let you crash indefinitely on their couch to humanresources@thirstyforclicks.com.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Now Hiring image taken from:
https://www.kmov.com/news/looking-for-a-job-amid-the-covid-19-outbreak-check-this-list/article_0bd82cbe-6ad0-11ea-8e4b-3f8c5528abe2.html
