Be comforted; Orwell's Thought Police have arrived.
In his seminal work Wonder Woman 1984, George Orwell predicted in the future that there would be a division of government that prevented people from dissenting and stirring up trouble with their free speech. Guess what! It’s arrived and I, for one, couldn’t be more excited. For you see, as a fiscal conservative, I’m always looking for ways to cut bloated government spending. And you know what? Private citizens have put forth tremendous efforts and spent incalculable amounts of time to take this burden upon themselves, no doubt for that very purpose. Who knew busybodies were so altruistic? Thanks Language and Thought Police! I mean, I’m sure government sanctioned and handsomely paid Thought Police are an eventuality, but it’s nice to know the current tax revenues can be wisely wasted somewhere else. Thanks to the horror movie nightmare/wild west atrocity that is social media and mainstream media’s gross obsession with social media and social media influencers, I get to purge bad thoughts from my head without government even getting involved, like that time I wanted to purge my negative reaction to a really bad movie when I saw The Purge and felt the need to purge myself of The Purge.
So I’m here to say thank you.
Thank you, LeBron James, for telling me I should hate a police officer for saving the life of a black person by killing another black person who was threatening the life of the aforementioned black person. Thank you also for not admitting you were wrong and spinning your taking down of the dox-ish tweet by saying it was causing racism (of which we all know only white people are/even can be guilty of).
Thank you, screeching harpy protestors who are able to cancel out any argument—no matter how lucid and informed—by labeling it racist.
Thank you, radicalized feminists who have so loosely defined rape and sexual assault so as to include sending a professionally written email about budget concerns to a female subordinate. Thank you also for hamstringing due process and giving we wicked men the chance to have our lives ruined just with an accusation before we’re ever convicted. We’re happy to have them involuntarily thrown away. We weren’t doing anything with our lives but perpetuating, protecting, or being complicit in the patriarchy anyway.
Thank you, people who fill my Facebook feed with unsolicited advice on personal spending habits, parenting, the myriad (and radically opposed) of ways to define what it means to be a good person, the constantly evolving rules of pronouns, discipline for my children, racism and how-it’s-not-enough-to-not-be-racist-you-have-to-fight-racism, and who take the time to correct me when I’m wrong despite the fact that you don’t know me well enough to speak to my life and Facebook isn’t real life and you spend way too much time on it instead of enjoying real human interaction (in my humble opinion…that is…if I’m allowed to have one).
Thank you, ever-so-wise college kids who have lived and studied enough to become so well-informed on the horrific evils of capitalism and the Utopia-inducing marvels of communism. I appreciate your telling me that I’m enslaved and oppressed if I’m an employee, and an oppressor if I’m an employer. I now realize the pesky annoyance of self-determination and agency in my professional life should be forfeited with all expediency.
Thank you, whores for identity politics. Thanks for magically rendering any argument made by a person in the wrong demographic for the topic under discussion null and void with a simple wave of your IP wand. Are you from Gryffindor or Hufflepuff? Do you know Luna Lovegood? What’s she like in person? That person in the wrong demographic doesn’t deserve that opinion they’re vomiting from their casserole-hole anyway. If they did, you’d have the bothersome task of defending your stances with facts and logic. You don’t have time for that. You’ve got conservative pundits to hound and throw bricks at.
Thank you, hardcore democrats and hardcore republicans, for arguing on comment threads about every little thing until the cows have come home, bedded down for the night, birthed their young, gone to slaughter, been rendered into delectable steaks, and pooped out of a sweaty, fat, candidate for cardiac arrest during the middle-aged years. Thanks also for not being able to see nuances in complex topics, and not being able to get through a debate session without correcting the spelling of others, insulting their intelligence, or telling them to wake up and educate themselves.
Thank you, right-wing partisan thinkers who decry cancel culture on the left but cancel sports stars for kneeling. Do you believe in free speech? Just checkin’. Thanks also for rationalizing your behavior, nitpicking terminology, and arguing semantics instead of facing your own hypocrisy.
Thank you, left-wing partisan thinkers who are perfecting and professionalizing canc…I mean consequence culture. That person whom you’ve never met, will never meet, did nothing to you, didn’t hurt your cause, but had the stones to disagree with or offend someone who looks like you, doesn’t deserve a job, livelihood, or continued existence. Thank you for cancelli…consequence-ing them. Thanks also for hijacking the democratic party from classical live-and-let-live liberals. They were too moderate, laid-back, and accepting to pass the vibe check for the new and improved DNC. They’re too close to leave-me-be conservatives for comfort anyway. Moderates have no place to run or hide when the lunatic fringe come to town.
Thank you, inventors of social media. You birthed a wonderful tool that is now an utter abomination. Thank you also for making sure conservative voices are kept in check and always have an uphill battle when willingly offering to pay you handsomely in return for using your platform. Enemies of that doggone, anachronistic 1st amendment owe you a heartfelt ‘atta boy’.
Thank you, woke podcasters, content creators, television writers, and comedians. Thank you for refusing to learn the lessons of this nation’s racist past you so intensely sermonize about by lumping and painting white men with an inescapably broad brush. We know that making content that is compelling and inoffensive is difficult, so I appreciate you picking a group that isn’t allowed to be offended. Keep using MLK as one of your symbols despite having hastily thrown away that line about being judged by the content of your character and not the color of your skin. Also, keep refusing to face your own hypocrisy by saying that’s just my white supremacy/fragility/privilege speaking. This thank you note wouldn’t be where it is without the creators of critical race theory, intersectionality, and their disciples who always have a circular “you can say that/feel that/think that because you’re white” argument locked and loaded, ready to jettison traditional rules of rational debate quicker than one can say “rocks and blocks”.
Thank you, hecklers, interrupters of speaking events, and Twitter trolls who are the self-determined arbiters of what is funny and what is no longer funny. I didn’t know the rules arbitrarily changed for comedy, and that everyone must scrub their content for all audiences, including those who voraciously consume videos of YouTubers reacting to YouTube videos. I’ll be sure to keep up on the memos from here on out and assure you my liking or laughing at an unapproved joke won’t ever happen again.
Thank you, ANTIFA advocates, who are currently pulling a finishing move on fascism by being some of the best practitioners of fascism. Thank you also for making sure I don’t call it an organization. How dare I attribute organizational components like structure, funding, scheduling, and logistics to dumpy cowards in the first place. It’s a movement, NOT an organization. I got it. You ain’t gotta keep repeating yourself. It’s fine. I stand corrected.
Thank you, progressives who treat black conservatives so poorly that slaveowners of yesteryear would be wildly impressed. It’s their internalized racism and Stockholm Syndrome speaking, not a carefully thought out and intellectually formed response to reality. You know what’s best for them. They don’t even know how to log into the internet or get a state-issued ID, after all. Keep it up.
Thank you, Hollywood and government types, whose shenanigans and abuses sparked the #Metoo movement, but who have refused to change their ways, preferring rather to deflect and preach to the common man who tend to not have the power and influence inherent in sexual misconduct cases involving power imbalances. You control the message, the narrative, and by extension, the minds of those too stupid to think for themselves. That’s the way to be.
Thank you, in summation, all those who would enjoy their autonomy while denying me mine. I wasn’t really using it anyway. That’s worked out so swimmingly in monarchies, oligarchies, and autocracies in the past. I’m kind of gross for wanting the USA to remain a republic. I can see that now, having done the work. You’re careening our nation down the path of Orwell’s prophetic vision. I’m sure Big Brother was misunderstood and actually the good guy. I can’t wait to see what’s next.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/luke-crywalker