COVID's got me thinking about a career change to warlord
Put succinctly, America is hiring. I’ve seen so many “Now Hiring” and “Open interviews 3pm-6pm” signs and businesses offering a signing bonus in the last year and a half, it makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to handle a 3am Whopper-related emergency ever again. I’m seriously considering joining 52% of Americans polled who want to make a career move.
It’s not that I don’t like my day job. I literally am writing this essay right now at my day job. Fridays are slow as I’m only running the receiving dock. Production works four ten-hour days so Friday doesn’t have those annoying and obnoxious things milling about…what are they called? Oh yeah, coworkers. I get paid handsomely to supervise a pretty smooth-running warehouse. So I can’t say I’m professionally unhappy, per se. It’s just that…I have always wanted more than punching someone else’s clock, and I feel this is the right time. I’m inching closer to feeling ready to take the leap. I want set myself up as kind of a hybrid cartel-warlord because who doesn’t dream of starting their own business, right? And when you do start your own business, you’ve got to be ready to diversity your product/service, along with maintaining a quickly adaptable paradigm.
Like every major life decision, it’s always good to make a Pros/Cons list:
Pros:
I’ve always felt I’d look very dashing as I pose in the back of a pickup truck holding an AK-47. It’d also be a great chance to update my dating profile picture.
Democrats tend to be softer and more caring for criminals but even hardcore democrats must be looking at Joe Biden like “does this guy wake up handing out participation trophies, and why such a sharp turn from the super-predator legislation of the mid-90’s?”
You can seize and control the flow of food, water, and vaccines to the local population once United Nations and UNICEF aid workers have made their delivery and taken off. Seems like a chance to gain power AND come across as magnanimous.
I’ve never been in a context where I could punctuate a demand with “You have 24 hours”. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
Always wanted to fly a small aircraft map-of-the-earth and confound some nerd watching a radar screen into saying “Wait…where’d he go?!?”
I get to make a Pros/Cons list and share it with other people who overthink things.
You can execute a subordinate who makes a mistake, thereby ensuring you don’t have to deal with perpetual careless mistakes in your subordinates.
I’d be taking money away from corporate conglomerates and showing other aspiring Ma and Pa cartels that they can eschew the 9-5 grind, head out, and succeed on their own.
I’d love to be sitting in a meeting when one of my partners says “UPS is cracking down on drug cartels using their service to get their product across the border” because then I’d be all “Just switch to FedEx. Half of their employees are customers anyway.”
I could take a stand and be that one warlord who doesn’t traffic humans.
Running guns, drugs, and diamonds would afford one ample chances for zany adventures and witty back-and-forth with a hesitant partner who gave up a cushy job “FOR THIS?!?”.
Cons:
When you do execute a subordinate, you’ve got to wonder if one of the other guys watching the execution is aiming for your position and has extra motivation to come after you because your father murdered his family or you bedded his wife.
The rigmarole it takes to get your money laundered and safely deposited into a banking system seems like a lot of effort as compared to being boring ol’ W-2 employee of a legit operation.
Unless you’re Che Guevara and have a marvelous PR firm working overtime, history will remember you as the bad guy. One’s got to keep his legacy and rep in check, know what I’m sezzin’?
I’d have to move somewhere more remote and chaotic than the quiet suburbs of Detroit, MI. Warlords usually thrive in countries that ain’t got their ish together, and moving is such a hassle.
I’ll miss my old coworkers, but I can always have them over once they agree to be blindfolded on their way to my lair (unforeseen pro: I’ll have a lair)
I’m a moral conservative. I’m not sure there’s enough cocaine, gorgeous women, and piles of money to overcome the daily pangs of conscience from all the atrocities I’m bound to commit.
Running guns, drugs, and diamonds would afford one ample chances for being shot.
I’m a husky guy. Living in an equatorial locale might make me sweat too much to be taken seriously.
Other people might not be interested in my Pros/Cons list.
I’d be just another Caucasian in a line of 100% evil Caucasians to curse the world with my evil, gross, icky, wicked Caucasian-acity.
I’d be dodging taxes and that would bother me; not being a responsible citizen.
I’d have to deal with the Swiss for my offshore, untraceable, no-questions-asked Swiss bank account, and no one actually enjoys dealing with the Swiss.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://blog.ingleinternational.com/face-masks-in-a-covid-19-world-to-wear-or-not-to-wear/
