Jennifer Lawrence uses her witch powers to retcon feminist film history
Some days I just want Twitter to go away. This is not that day. Proving there is real comedic talent out there amongst the incorrigible trolls, professional victims, and screeching harpies, Twitter brilliantly played Jennifer Lawrence’s ego a little chin music after having the stones to say something this stupid:
“I remember when I was doing ‘Hunger Games,’ nobody had ever put a woman in the lead of an action movie because it wouldn’t work — because we were told girls and boys can both identify with a male lead, but boys cannot identify with a female lead,” said Lawrence.
She said it in a recorded conversation (always the best kind, for posterity and comedy’s sake) with Viola Davis while discussing The Woman King. Viola Davis didn’t call her on it. So a black woman who was well into her fifties before she gained fame refuses to speak up when a privileged white woman Hitler would break his phone swiping right for and who’s been a huge star since her late teens blurts out a fact teeming with untruthfulness? I’m feeling really gross and uncomfortable right now.
Look, I get thinking you’re the center of the universe. I was raised in a W.A.S.P. family which enjoyed unseasoned food. Craving flavor and spiciness, I was the first in my family to specifically ask if we can get Tabasco sauce from the grocery store (mom got it even though she didn’t have a coupon for it) and put it on scrambled eggs. There was a few days there when I thought I was the first person on the planet with such a genius idea. But I was ten or so. Jennifer is the other side of thirty. Come on, Jen. Seriously. Come on.
Or maybe Jennifer Lawrence is the true Scarlet Witch and has the ability to rewrite reality. Maybe the collective effect on everyone’s memory and a long, rich tradition of female action stars is going to be erased any second now. Maybe we’ll all forget that and more. I have noticed I can’t seem to play the cello or speak in Swahili or remember how that one joke goes about a guy waking up from a coma who says he can’t remember how to practice a particular skill and his wife says “But you never”…and there I’ve lost it. All thanks to witchy Jen and her witchy powers. Those men in Salem some years back…they were really onto something there.
Maybe Jennifer Lawrence is Brett Con from Rick and Morty’s season six, episode seven (if you’re not as in love with this show as I am, we can be friends, just not close ones). Maybe J-Law is in league with him. Maybe she said she’s the first female action hero and Brett Con did his thing.
She is…and always has been…the only woman to ever do anything meaningful on screen.
Phhwooosh. Goodbye, Linda Carter and your veracity-seeking lasso. You wore that uncomfortable but sexy getup for naught. Goodbye, Amazon Women who went to the moon. You had so much potential and could have gone even more places in increasingly comedic and entertaining team-ups with Ernest. Goodbye, Sigourney Weaver. You lost the crew of the Nostromo, all those brave Marines, that exile prison of bald criminal monks, and a bit of your humanity when you were cloned and had your DNA spliced to get xenomorph strength and acidic blood for nothing. Goodbye, Milla Jovovich. You’ve flashed your boobs in so many action movies it’s almost starting to get boring (almost). Goodbye, Bridget Fonda. I still haven’t figured out if you’re related to Jane and am too lazy to Google it. Goodbye, Linda Hamilton. You slept with a time traveling soldier then saved y’all’s son from kill-bots and less-than-perfect foster parents for nothing. Goodbye, Red Sonja. You relegated Arnold frickin’-Schwarzenegger to a supporting role for nothing. Goodbye, My Little Ponies. You shot love from the heart logo on your chest and stormed Castle Grayskull for nothing…or something like that.
Goodbye, Geena Davis. You made a criminally underrated action movie with Samuel L. Jackson and Brian Cox I’ll let the good folks at home look up on IMDB and gloriously discover for themselves. Goodbye, Tippi Hedren. You fought off those terrifying birds and foolishly took the pet lovebirds with you at the end of the movie even though one plausible interpretation of that brilliant and ambiguous movie is that the lovebirds were orchestrating the whole thing from their cage. Goodbye, Eowyn. You stabbed the Witch King in his formless face and won the battle of the Pelennor Fields for nothing. Goodbye, ladies of the Narnia series. You waged war to save that magical place and never once lost your dignified British composure for nothing.
Goodbye, Angelina Jolie. You and your poofy lips raided tombs. Not once, nay. But twice, and provided me with some dumb, mindless distraction for a few hours. Goodbye, Kate Capshaw. You entered the temple of doom, then fussed, complained, whined, cried, chickened out, and screamed your way to…you’re right, bad example. Goodbye, Linda Lovelace. You performed horrible sex acts…I’ll stop now. Goodbye every woman with the audacity to have made better action films than an awfully silly movie franchise that sparked an uptick in girls taking up archery when guns make so much more sense for women’s self-defense.
I just hope White Witch Queen Jennifer lets me remember all the wonderful women of the G.I. Joe universe. Flamboyantly dressed, wisecracking soldiers careening around the sky wearing glider jetpacks firing massive amounts of laser shots but never scoring a direct hit on an enemy’s flesh are a big part of my childhood.
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Quotation cited from:
https://cosmicbook.news/jennifer-lawrence-first-female-action-hero-twitter-reacts
Images taken from:
https://images.app.goo.gl/T6C67MzxfsHbCNZi8
https://images.app.goo.gl/um95EHC2SmmvjSTP6
