Let's start making statues from biodegradable materials
Bing, bang, boom. I call this a “problem solved, next in line?” situation. Conservatives get their statue and liberals—rather the super un-chill progressives who have leeched that name away from real liberals—can have it up there for just a matter of time until some mean tweets, harsh and rude treatment of past employees, conservative voting records, mistreatment of a stewardess, claiming a business expense on something that’s obviously a personal item, or unacceptable opinions come to the fore of societal awareness. Bonus for them if the statue is made from smokable, injectable, snort-able, or suppository-able materials.
Since they’ll be biodegradable, the same people who patted themselves on the back for saving lives by waiting until they were seated at a restaurant to remove their COVID mask can break their arms with the continued patting by virtue signaling about saving the planet on smartphones that don’t really agree with Mother Earth’s palate manufactured in that cesspool of planet-killing pollution we call China.
Now I can proceed to solving other problems, like figuring out whether true love between people actually exists. I know dogs have already achieved true love for us. Still working on if we have done the same for each other.
Why make statues that can disintegrate in a light rain or that you can pay a couple homeless guys to wipe away with Windex and a small modicum of meth-fueled elbow grease? Open your eyes, man. (affects a starry-eyed, aloof demeanor reminiscent of Jim Morrison) Change is the only constant, man. Adherence to permanence is to be defeated by impermanence, man. And because grown-ass adults are giving toddlers a run for their money in the temper tantrum department, man.
Conservatives want statues of morally questionable historical figures preserved so that passersby can see and be reminded of the ugly stains on this nation’s history. Progressives can’t abide the thought of being triggered by the artfully rendered visage of an unacceptable human. They also know the best way to keep from repeating history is to memory-hole it.
Conservatives know that humans are complex and nuanced creatures which can do good in one area of their lives while also doing bad in another area. Progressives understand that anyone who was born before them or doesn’t agree with them is racist and racist is the worst thing you can do (outside of wearing bangs without irony) and you’re worthy of some extreme attitude adjustments if you’re racist and if you think you’re not racist that’s a sign of being racist and you need to work on your racism even though you’re innately racist and can’t help it but you’re cruisin’ for a cancelin’ if we don’t see you putting in the work even knowing you’re destined to fail.
Conservatives understand neither a dead person, nor the inanimate object artfully rendered in their likeness can hurt you. Progressives understand walking by or sharing space with such a dastardly item is mentally unconscionable, deeply disturbing on a fundamental level, and are literally shaking right now.
Conservatives believe in objective standards of art and can appreciate the craft, practice, and deep skill it takes to carve stone or mold iron into a lasting and realistic likeness of a person. Progressives will launch and splatter a bowl of feces at a mangled piece of driftwood and insist you pay for the time they spent at a school of modern art being told that what they’ve just done is art.
Conservatives know history is mostly a story of human suffering and that it’s important to learn about it so as to avoid its mistakes and the people who would prey upon others and impose suffering on them. Progressives won’t have anything offensive pass into their field of vision and need trigger warnings for PG-rated movies with anything so much as adult themes or a villain who is racially insensitive.
Conservatives have a long memory and know that history is agreed upon fact and that yes, some books were written by those in power who didn’t want to present an unappealing self-portrait to the world, so that everything manmade must be questioned and put up against other sources. Progressives are lacking in the ole attention span area and struggle to pay attention for the entirety of a 60-second TikTok video which unironically tells them that CRT; a system of thought with the actual word “theory” in its actual name, is real history.
Progressives consider the theft of Mt. Rushmore and the Black Hills from the Lakota Sioux and turning it into a giant carving a travesty and want the whole thing returned and blown up. Conservatives consider it a travesty as well but also know the Sioux stole it from another nation and while that doesn’t mitigate the wrong involved, it does certainly put it in perspec…when are we blowing it up and will the explosion be super awesome and can I be the guy to press the old fashioned ACME plunger for the dynamite?
Conservatives believe that man is flawed and sinful and that only a creator/savior can redeem them from their sinful state. Progressives believe that man is merely sick and perfectible through education, mental health initiatives, and increased government spending. Good conservatives would rather work on themselves instead of being in everyone’s business. Good progressives would rather accept the idea they are perfect and work on everyone else as if the whole of humanity was their incorrigible child in need of correction (having violently scraped out any children with the audacity to take up their abode in their wombs).
So since everything we know and experience nowadays is as transitory as the nature of the inflation our POTUS assures us it is, as fleeting as the short term memory of an ADHD child who just spotted something shiny, as temporary as edible panties, as easily forgotten as yesterday’s Twitter trends, as brief as the sound bites we foolishly use to formulate “informed” opinions about elected officials, we should bring statues into the fold of comfortable and temporary passengers in the hurried train stations that are our rapidly devolving minds. (exhales contented sigh)
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://www.npr.org/2021/12/30/1069081021/richmonds-robert-e-lee-statue-will-move-to-the-citys-black-history-museum#:~:text=Richmond's%20Robert%20E.%20Lee%20statue,the%20city's%20Black%20History%20Museum&text=Steve%20Helber%2FAP-,Crews%20remove%20the%20statue%20of%20Robert%20E.%20Lee%20in%20Richmond,to%20Richmond's%20Black%20History%20Museum.
