Steph Curry gives Alec Baldwin tips on proper shooting technique
If you got this far because the title hooked and reeled you in, thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week. I do have a confession to make. As an aspiring satirist, I really wanted to give Alec some comedic chin music but was really struggling on what the conceit of the joke would be. One has to tread delicately sometimes when death is involved, so I was hesitant from the jump. Also, I try to avoid low hanging fruit and just couldn’t contrive a worthy comedic angle.
Alec was all over the Rittenhouse furor circa August 2020 but has been oddly silent on the Ethan Crumbley discussion. I imagine him just itching to post that one Tweet and his wife holding his hand back and him being all “Please lemme tweet, honey! Not tweeting my opinion is like holding in a fart and a sneeze at the same time!”. Probably the same anguish felt by a leftist who didn’t have a chance to call someone a Nazi before their head hits the pillow or an obnoxious health nut whose coworkers and friends don’t ask about their veganism on a regular basis. Conservative talking heads were posting his old Tweets where he called cops murderers and using the trite “That didn’t age well” line so I figured the irony territory had already been staked.
So I decided to leave it alone. And then BAM! (onomatopoeia-based pun very much intended), the greatest NBA shooter of all time further cements his status as such by breaking Ray Allen’s all-time three-pointer record. Much love and respect to Curry, BTW. He’s the model citizen athlete. He’s a bona fide superstar but doesn’t carry himself in a prideful manner. He doesn’t beef with fools on the court. He claims the name of Jesus Christ and his walk backs up the talk. He and his family unit avoid scandal and eyebrow-raising sound bytes. He doesn’t switch super teams like musical chairs or chime in on every little thing unlike someone we know and love almost as much as he who will remain nameless loves himself and whose name rhymes with CuFlon Vrames. He lives and works in California but doesn’t do movie cameos made painfully awkward by a pronounced lack of acting talent. Curry just wins and wins and when he’s injured he takes time, then comes back and wins some more. Like I said, much love and respect.
Maybe if we could schedule a meet between him and Mr. Alec three-pack-a-day-voice Baldwin, Curry could show him how to be a GOAT-level shooter without, you know…shooting people. Dagnabbit. I was trying to avoid the hacky, low-hanging fruit. I think it’s important you know that before this gets out of hand. Maybe Curry could show him how to metaphorically kill the competition without literally…I’m so sorry. I just can’t stop. I wish I could. Steph’s raining buckets like Alec’s raining…let’s see…supporting and awfully typecast roles since he hit the wrong side of forty and got too fat to maintain his leading man status. Brevity was not the soul of that sentence’s wit. Curry has championship rings from his work on the court and Baldwin has…rings around his eyes from all the crying and fretting about his career possibly being over. Okay, now I’m hardly even trying. That’s not even what I wanted to talk to you about today.
Get ready for a flurry of non-sequiturs (because I couldn’t think of anymore jokes on that topic)
What I really had in mind was Crypto currency. Have you heard of this? It’s the wave of the future. All the movers and shakers are putting their money in crypto because they’re movers and shakers and you’re not.
J/K. What I really came to discuss is an exciting management opportunity in the world of Mary Kay person-to-person makeup sales. Would you like me to schedule a get-together in your home with all your friends where you’ll be expected to provide coffee and a meal for everyone? We could double book with your sex toy and scented candle MLM’s. Then we can sell products at an extravagant price far above normal retail value to each other and I can be the one to benefit. Then you can get two people, and they can get two people, etc. and I can reach Platinum Squirrel Cherry Bomb level and my downline can really put in the work toward my retirement.
Totally joking. May I inquire as to the level of satisfaction with your current insurance coverage, and maybe your car’s extended warranty, time permitting? How does getting a $5 discount off next month’s extravagantly priced service in exchange for taking a tedious and annoying survey at the end of the call (which may or may not have been recorded for quality, training, and customer service call fetish purposes).
I’m just playing. I’ve got something else in mind we could talk about. Do you have an opinion on Joe Biden, Donald Trump, January 6th, abortion, vaccine mandates, school shootings, gun control, the American healthcare system, labor unions, racism, and politics in general? Follow up question: Do you mind if I rudely butt in and run roughshod over your unacceptable opinions with my facts, research, wisdom, higher level of physical attractiveness, and more pleasing personal musk? Meet me in the comments section and some real gangsta -ish is fixing to go down. I shall clap back at you so hard you’ll leave with an aggressive case of syphilis. It’s spelled “gangster”, you say? You are so white.
Come at me, bro. Do it. You won’t.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Images taken from:
https://www.usatoday.com/restricted/?return=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.usatoday.com%2Fin-depth%2Fsports%2Fnba%2F2021%2F05%2F17%2Fsteph-currys-62-point-highlight-best-nba-superlatives%2F5122233001%2F
https://www.nbcbayarea.com/entertainment/entertainment-news/lawyer-backs-up-alec-baldwins-assertion-he-didnt-pull-trigger/2746726/
