The racial diversity of my children is just horrendous
Just look at that gaggle of mayonnaise monsters. Right after that photo was taken they stormed and annexed some indigenous land. I sat in the car and perused some questionable message boards to make sure I’m up on the current terminology while leaving them to the slaughtering. My stepping back and taking a guide-on-the-side approach to genocide this year was their Christmas present. You can just see it in their eyes. “I can’t wait to distribute these diseased blankets.” They’re white. They can’t help it.
I tried to shelter my kids from the evils of their ethnicity but that bag of cash on the doorstep each Sunday morning labeled “White Privilege UBI” is awfully convenient. My mom’s side is Native American but my kids manifested white. Two of them have brown eyes but that’s nothing some daily blue disposable contacts can’t fix so they can take their rightful place amongst the other demonios de ojos azules.
I suppose if they wanted to join the victim pyramid, they could—using the logic of the Left—just dye their hair jet black, sit through a whole mess of tanning sessions, and identify with that side of their family ancestry but before we permanently retire to the land of Make Believe we’re taking the baby step route and first seeing if there’s some gender identity particularities to iron out. Fingers crossed. I can’t wait to make family gatherings super awkward on a holiday-to-holiday basis by springing fun and creative new pronouns on those closeminded Republican bigots.
I put off getting my kids cellphones because who wants to feel like they’re a bad parent for using electronic babysitters? But meeting up in the White Room chat each morning to get everyone’s morning assignments on keeping the blacks and browns down is easier when everyone can log in and I don’t have to print out each kid’s dossier; printer cartridge ink being so expensive and all. Plus, they kept setting them down and forgetting them when out in public and we can’t be having any record of this massive, century-spanning conspiracy, now can we?
But by the power of bland, flavorless food, we need to do something about the diversity in my posse. It’s just atrocious; the representation and lack of persons of color (because apparently white isn’t a color) who issued from my bowels, in the Biblical sense. I really feel ashamed. Not from a moral standpoint, mind you. I’m a staunch Democrat and while we do reduce people down to the amount of melanin in their skin or the types of things that send a little bit of blood to their genitals, we don’t see darkies as equal with us, not in the slightest. Don’t shrink back in shock and disgust at my referring to them as “darkies”. We Democrats can do just about anything racist and offensive we please and still take the minority vote for granted. I feel ashamed because I’m not hitting certain diversity and affirmative action quotients, can’t even begin to think about holding an awards show, and am missing out on lucrative virtue signaling opportunities.
That’s what brown folks are to me and my DNC brothers and sisters; props and group identity arguments. We’re just better people than Republicans. Constantly beating that drum and reminding everyone of that fact is crucial to maintaining our status as better people. Actually doing something to make ourselves better? Don’t be gross. It’s much more vital to the success of our country that we go on social media and tell others to be better and try to be as good as us.
I did consider purchasing…I mean acquiring…I mean…what’s the word...oh yes, adopting some melanin-rich tykes from the market…I mean adoption agency. But some college professor somewhere said that white people adopting black kids perpetuates white supremacy when talking about Amy Coney-Barrett’s adopted kids and we know that all ideas from the left made in criticism of someone from the right have value and shouldn’t ever be subjected to logical/moral scrutiny, so that’s out. Sorry orphans whose lives I could have changed! I guess it’s a life of group homes and less-than-equal opportunities for you. My saving face and not leaving the Democrat reservation is much more important than giving you a warm home with plenty to eat.
That means I’m left with the old-fashioned way of bringing some diversity into my household. Any woman of African, Asian, or Latin descent who deem themselves worthy of entering my gene pool and in search of a baby daddy (to quote the vernacular) should apply on my website. Benefits include room and board in a home almost as nice as my guesthouse, a pre-congress agreement (don’t flatter yourself by thinking nuptials are in the mix) that’s super in my favor, and liberal schooling where the educators wisely prepare colored youngsters for an incredibly competitive marketplace by holding them to lower academic standards than white kids.
Yes, there’s actually a logical endgame to that practice. Once they’ve given up on the traditional grit and rigor route, they can circle back around to claiming victim status and the wonderful recompense typically attached to it. (Sniff) Makes me cry tears of joy, thinking of my kids someday getting in the grill of some rich white guy and convincing him he’s racist for holding onto his money and spending it as he chooses.
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