(satire) CNN stakeholders now poorer than the people they lie to
Running with the obnoxious and untrue partisan-thinking Republican premise that CNN is only for liberal Democrats and that all liberal Democrats are poor and entitled welfare queens is the theme of today’s piece.
Seems as if CNN and their plummeting ratings could use their own 2008-esque bailout from the government they love and cherish whenever there’s a Demmycrat in office. Fools who are holding onto their CNN stock in expectation of a comeback need to understand that journalistic integrity and rigor are more important than entertainment (don’t bother believing a word of this sentence which occurs before the parentheses). Let’s mine this one for a little gold, shall we?
CNN direct messaged MSNBC to see if they could crash on the couch until they get some things figured out. MSNBC asked them to give a firm number on how many days CNN will be there. CNN left them on read and didn’t venture a guess (super ‘sus if you ask me).
As a counter to Greg Gutfeld’s conservative comedy ratings on Fox, they workshopped some late-night comedy show formats with leftist comedians but soon abandoned the idea, having finally realized that saying “brave” things for applause while policing the speech and jokes of others does not a fertile ground for healthy comedic growth make.
Amid scandals that include sexual harassment, assault, and Zoom meetings turned masturbation sessions, CNN can’t seem to get its act together in the human resources department. Guess there really is no such thing as hiring sexual deviants without consequences.
Rebranding being an effective technique when your entity’s original name has a stink surrounding it, they decided to do a Twitter poll to rename their outfit, which had disastrous results. The last option was a write-in option that was taken over by right-wing trolls. Top results were Libtard Central, Commie Propaganda Network, and Let’s Go Brandon.
Chris Cuomo and Andrew Cuomo pitched a show in which they argue in stereotypical and over-the-top Italian fashion over who was a bigger disappointment to their Dad. They’ll also address hot topics like Hollywood gossip and well-dressed sports franchise owners. This one’s currently in development as leftist viewers are quick to forgive in their own family what they vehemently condemn someone else’s. (I know right-wingers do the same but we’re here to make fun of the left today, mm-kay?)
They are working on a dynamic show premise with Rachel Maddow, Joy Reid, and Van Jones to get their ratings back. It’ll be called The Meltdown Chamber.
Wolf Blitzer offered to violently storm the offices and studios of Fox News in the badass fashion you’d expect from someone with a name, voice, and beard like that. They’re negotiating a reasonable salary and figuring out if he’s going to violently storm as a full-time employee or cautiously storm as a 1099 sub-contractor at the moment.
Come Christmastime they’ve a dastardly plot to kneecap storefront Salvation Army Santa bell-ringers and steal the day’s earnings. Yes, they’ve sunk that low.
They’re toying with a weekly Oppression and Famine News Roundup segment with Kim Jong-Un but he is still super busy running the “I’m a Living God” scam on his people because apparently that’s still something that’s possible to do and I’ve been missing out on this get-rich-and-acquire-some-nuclear-weaponry-quick scheme and really need to put down the Angry Birds so I can get my ambitious dictator designs on track.
CNN producers have been spotted at busy street corners and expressway exits with “Will Spin and Pander for Money” signs. Most motorists busy themselves fiddling with the radio dials so as to not make eye contact; a smart move.
They have consulted with the producers of the Grammys, Tony Awards, Oscars, and Golden Globes on how to bring up ratings because (even being a news network) they don’t watch the news and aren’t aware of the embarrassingly flagging nature of awards show ratings. Golden Globes advised they cash in their chips before they crap out.
The Taliban is flush with cash since flipping about $80 billion worth (give or take) in USA military equipment so CNN reached out for a floater loan. So far, Taliban representatives haven’t returned their calls as the Taliban has some dignity and wishes to distance themselves from train wrecks on CNN’s level.
CNN is optioning the idea of just pitching wild fits, being super extra, tattling to Twitter that Fox News isn’t being nice to them, and generally acting an ass when something doesn’t go there way because that’s apparently the way to get eyeballs and action nowadays.
Irresponsible executive orders that violently overstep their bounds are the soup du jour so maybe POTUS can lend a helping hand when he’s not busy with his other daily duties which entail not really helping anyone, ever. That and treating us all like children. Maybe the executive order could read that we all need to send CNN a daily quota of short, positive, reassuring messages and be there in the tough, lonely, desperate moments, when CNN really needs us the most. After all, if you didn’t love CNN at its worst, you don’t deserve CNN at its best.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. There’s an untapped market of retired baseball players who have hulked out on the ‘roids and I would imagine are sitting around just itching to pick a fight with somebody that looks at them sideways. Maybe there’s a nugget of an idea in that fact. Let’s brunch-and-brainstorm. Feel like there’s real potential in partnering them with those ANTIFA bozos. Those dumpy dudes in skull masks have absolutely no chill.
They seem to be coming to terms with the fact that you can’t just cry racism and hope everything works out for you. Here’s hoping the lesson sticks. If they start crying “rape!” or “he disagrees with me and that’s unacceptable…and also rape!” or something else that’s currently in vogue we’ll know it hasn’t.
CNN started trying to sell their AV equipment and studio furniture on Facebook marketplace but incessant, snarky comments like “At that price, does that conference table come with the crack you’re smoking?” shut down that initiative with a quickness.
Three-minute or less news recaps on TikTok oughta give ‘em a shot in the ratings arm, no matter the loss of journalistic integrity and respect they experience in the doing. There’s no shortage of weak, effeminate pretty boys who can’t abide the thought of making their way through life without dancing and lip-syncing to popular songs. Maybe they can be coerced to sing us the news. Probably might could possibly pay ‘em in likes and styling gel.
Anybody else feel we’re overdue for a crossfire show on lady issues starring Caitlyn Jenner, J.K. Rowling, and Rachel Dolezal? Maybe they can hire some muscly transgender female athletes to be their intimidating and violent stage bouncers, Jerry Springer style. Excuse me while I make a quick phone call to CNN’s offices to pitch this original idea I stole from another show’s format before someone gets the jump on me and steals my stolen idea.
You gotta think Bill Gates and the Microsoft Army of Nerds could write a wear-you-down type of macro that changes your TV to CNN when you tell your Comcast remote to “find me something brainless and binge worthy on Netflix” or syncs it up with your phone’s morning alarm so you can start your day with some good ole-fashioned treasonous Marxist propaganda.
Oddly enough, they rejected the idea of a PBS-esque pledge drive out of hand. Proof they’ve still got their dignity intact.
They’d have to stifle their gag reflex when he walks into the building, but a stream-of-consciousness talk show with Trump would definitely get them viewers, and possibly distract him long enough to not run again in 2024 (exactly what leftist strategists could label as a backdoor victory). Donald could be paid in…any number of silly and popular clichés that have become indelibly attached to that loquacious and opinionated man over the years. The program could be called MCNNGA.
They could do as Disney and CBS do and just spin off successful programs ad nauseum. I’m thinking The Situation Room: Where the Mandalorian likes to eat when he’s schmoozing with the fine forensic officers of CSI (currently on assignment in conjunction with NCIS: Antarctic) is a good working title until you can come up with a better one (but I doubt you can).
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled I’ll Fix America Tonight. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
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